Through the period of 3-4 years of struggle Adam and I went through, I found myself mentally taking notes of his mistakes. Every hurt he had caused me, every time I felt resentment because of something he had done, every time I felt rejected by him, every time my heart was broken again by what seemed to be the same things just different situations. Every time I hardened a little bit more of my heart towards him, I made a mental note of it then, I tucked it away in my little suitcase of hurts and drug it along behind me for days. Letting it eat at me, letting it continue to hurt me, letting it break me and ultimately, letting it destroy me and my relationship with my husband.
I had woven his mistakes into the very fiber of my being, I had no trouble recalling them when an argument arose, or when I was home alone and the enemy was prodding at me to let them rise to the surface again. After all, I had every right to be hurt and feel the way I did is what he would whisper in my ear, and the struggle would start all over again. It was a vicious cycle of mental & emotional chaos that more than once threatened to end my marriage.
I remember several occasions where I would bring up his mistakes to him during an argument, hoping that just one time he would feel the hurt that they had caused me. And on more than one of those occasions, his words to me would be “You don’t have to remind me of how bad I have hurt you, I beat myself up for it every single day”. The first few times I heard him say it, I thought … Good! You should be beating yourself up over it! You hurt me, and I am justified in feeling the way I do.
I had let my own selfish pride convince me that nothing I did in this situation was wrong… My feelings and actions were justified because I was the one being hurt.
Have you ever heard the saying “But, God…” ? This is my but, God moment;
The last time Adam said those words to me, the ones about beating himself up, my self righteous emotions started to surface… But, God stopped me in my tracks and opened my eyes to what my husband was saying. I was overwhelmed with sorrow and sadness for the way I had acted, and for the way that I had treated my husband, in making him pay and repay over and over again for hurting me. I was appalled at what I had become and I was ashamed that I wasn’t granting my husband the forgiveness that God grants me every single day. God brought me to my knees, and humbled me to see that my husband is human, just like I am human. I had put him on a pedestal and expected perfection out of him that no human being could ever achieve.
I was wrong in taking mental notes of his mistakes, because they had blinded me to the amazing person and husband that he is. They had covered my eyes, and consumed my thoughts, and I missed out on all of the good and wonderful things that our marriage could have been during those times. I missed out on the opportunity to grow and learn together. But most of all, I hindered our spiritual growth in the Lord.
Once in a while, these things still try to raise their ugly heads, and I struggle. But, I know that God has done a great work in our marriage, and I am able to let it go and push past it for the greater good. Most importantly for the work that God has established for us in His kingdom.
Our husbands are a gift from God. They are not perfect. They are human just like we are. They don’t deserve to be treated as servants or as tread under our feet. They do not deserve to have every mistake documented and thrown in their faces whenever we feel justified. They need to be built up and honored, loved and adored. Forgiven. Just as God has forgiven us.
When we can stop taking notes and look beyond his mistakes, we have the ability to see his true identity, the man that God created him to be; A masterpiece, made in the image of God, breath of life given by his creator, precious, radiant, designed for good works, chosen and called, a co-heir with Christ, lead with integrity, a victor, righteous and holy, covered by the blood of Jesus Christ.
Father I pray that you would help us to stop making records of the mistakes or offenses that our husbands may cause. God I pray that you would please open our eyes to see the man that you have created, and that we would be able to love him with a love that comes from you. In your sons holy and precious name. Amen.
Have any of you struggled with the same thing? Please leave a comment about your own journey. I would love to share in this with you, and pray for you.
In His love,