My sister passed away a year ago today, and sometimes I still find myself wondering how time has went on and how have we continued to go through the mundane tasks of everyday life day after day without her here, when it seems like time should have just stood still.
I remember very vividly those moments shortly after she passed. I had arrived at her home with my parents just minutes after she took her last breath, and what transpired at that time felt like a scene from The Matrix. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion as I watched my mother scream and wail “Oh baby girl, I was coming, I was coming, I was coming!” Over and over and over again. The immense pain that I witnessed was something I would never wish on anyone, and all I wanted to do was take it away from her. I watched helplessly as her heart was quite literally being ripped from her chest, as she cried out in agony with the sorrow I think only a mother who has lost a child could feel… Then, somehow miraculously, her motherly instincts took over, she stopped and composed herself, then very tenderly took the oxygen tubes from my sisters nose, turned off the machine and wept as she stroked the head of her first born child until her knees buckled beneath her.
As the day went on, and people came and went to pay their respects I kept thinking to myself “Why hasn’t everything stopped? Why are there still people driving by, and kids playing in their yards? Why don’t they stop? Don’t they know what just happened? Don’t they know that my big sister isn’t here with us anymore? Don’t they know that my parents just lost their daughter? Don’t they know that her husband just lost his wife of 40 years? Don’t they know that her kids just lost their mom, and her grandchildren just lost their grandma? Why isn’t time standing still? How can life continue to go on?” I kept trying to make sense of how and why things were still business as usual outside of the four walls we were contained in, I kept praying for God to reveal something to me that I could use and that I could lean on for comfort. Here is what he showed me…
Time is in His hands.We were created by Him and for Him, for a time and for a season. Our days were numbered before even one of them came to pass.
I still miss my sister terribly, and my heart still aches when I think of the loss that her husband, children and the rest of her family have suffered, but there is also a part of me that envies her entrance into the Heavenly realm where she now sits at the feet of Jesus and gets to look on His beautiful face. I know that pain, sadness, loss, sickness, stress, exhaustion and the ugliness of this world are no more for her. She has joy unspeakable, she is happy and beautiful, she dances and she sings and she is at peace.
When we had her memorial service, it was a packed house, there were people lined up out of the doors that had come to celebrate her life with us… I want to leave a legacy like that. Not for the fanfare, not to say that hundreds of people showed up to celebrate me, but to know that I have pursued and loved relentlessly every single day, every single person that God has placed in my life.
Our time, our lives are in His hands and he is always on time, even when we don’t understand why. We will not live a day longer than He has ordained for us, nor will we live a day shorter than He has allowed.
He is all knowing. He has a purpose and a plan for everyday of our lives, and I can’t wait until I get to see how all of the pieces of this crazy, wonderful, sometimes heartbreaking life fit together for His glory in the end.